When I advise prioritizing your needs over the needs of others, I’m not suggesting you ignore the latter. Not at all! You can still be there for friends, family members, coworkers, and even strangers, and help them when asked. The important thing is that you avoid abandoning your own priorities in the process. (Page 15)
it’s often the simplest remedies that are the (Page 25)
it’s often the simplest remedies that are the most efective. They’re also the ones we tend to overlook (Page 25)
Reading and learning is only one part of the formula. The other part - arguably, the most important part - is applying what you learn. That’s when habits change and life becomes more rewarding. (Page 28)
I realized that as long as I was respectful to the individual asking for my help, I wasn’t responsible for any ofense taken when I said no. This was a liberating feeling! It freed me from my fears of turning down requests (Page 32)
You’re not responsible for causing others disappointment when you say no to them. To fully appreciate this fact, it’s important to understand how disappointment occurs. Disappointment springs from unmet expectations (Page 33)
Suppose a coworker asks for your help, but you’re already overwhelmed by your own responsibilities. So you rebuf the request. Your coworker becomes visibly disappointed by your refusal to help. But is his or her disappointment truly your fault? Or did your coworker approach you with unrealistic - and perhaps even unfair - expectations regarding your ability and willingness to ofer help? (Page 34)
We have a limited number of hours to play with each day. That means every time we say yes to someone, we’re saying no to someone or something else (Page 35)
Self-care isn’t selfsh. It’s necessary (Page 36)
Will some people consider you selfsh when you say no to them? Of course. You can’t control that. And it’s worth noting, you’re not responsible for them feeling that way (Page 36)
There will always be people who will gladly accept your help if you ofer it. But keep in mind, you’re not responsible for solving other people’s problems. You’re responsible for yourself and those who depend on you (e.g. your immediate family) (Page 38)
That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t help people. Rather, the best way to help people over the long run is to ensure your needs are met frst (Page 38)
If you’re afraid of confict, there are small, simple things you can do to overcome that fear. First, recognize that harmony isn’t always possible. People have conficting opinions, needs, and desires. Friction is inevitable. Second, remind yourself that confict isn’t necessarily bad. It’s merely the expression of contradictory views. How a person reacts to a confict (with a calm demeanor or with anger) is an entirely diferent matter. Third, practice saying no in small steps. Start with situations where confrontations are likely to be nonexistent. An example is telling a salesperson at a clothing store that you don’t want to buy an article of clothing. Gradually introduce situations where saying no is likely to have a larger reaction. An example is telling a used car salesman that you don’t want to purchase a vehicle (Page 50)
The more “lessons” we observe, the greater our desire to repeat the outcome (Page 51)
The key, as always, is to take small steps (Page 52)
in the beginning, just focus on not saying yes immediately. Give yourself a few moments to consider requests and how they’ll impact your day. Interrupting your instinctive response will help to short circuit the habit. Next, examine the reasons you’re inclined to say yes. Are those reasons valid? (Page 52)
You’re driven to please people, even if you’re not consciously aware of it. You’re highly averse to confict, and go to great lengths to avoid it. When confronted with another’s anger, irritation, distress, or displeasure, you immediately drop what you’re doing to rescue that person. Rescuing him or her usually entails surrendering to the individual’s requests (Page 55)
you hem and haw, and eventually say “Ummm… maybe, but I’m kinda busy. I don’t know how much time I can spare.” This sends a mixed message to the requestor (Page 58)
it’s always better to be clear when you decline requests. Don’t (Page 59)
it’s always better to be clear when you decline requests. Don’t beat around the bush. Don’t equivocate, hoping (Page 59)
it’s always better to be clear when you decline requests (Page 59)
It helps to have a reason for saying no. Your reason validates your inability and/or unwillingness to lend a hand. For example, consider the following two responses to a request for help… 1. “I don’t have time to help you.” 2. “I don’t have time to help you because I’m working on a crucial report that’s due in two hours.” (Page 59)
Be honest about your reason for turning down the requestor. Resist the temptation to make something up. Not only will you feel guilty for lying, but the requestor is likely to notice your lack of sincerity. And that may cause him or her to become resentful toward you (Page 59)
The best approach is to be direct, honest, and respectful (Page 60)
stalling for time reduces your productivity by prolonging the situation. It forces you to spend more time than necessary declining the request. When someone asks you for help, and you know you must turn down the request, don’t stall. Be direct and clear. Doing so may feel uncomfortable. It may even prompt the requestor to respond in anger. But you can’t control his or her response nor the emotions behind it. Being sincere with a direct “no” shows respect. It also prevents the request from hanging over your head like a dark, ominous cloud (Page 62)
Notice how none of the above examples use the word “no.” It’s a difcult word to say because it’s a difcult word to hear (Page 64)
It’s a difcult word to say because it’s a difcult word to hear (Page 64)
Keep in mind, you don’t owe the requestor alternatives. It’s just an act of goodwill. Nothing more. But there’s a good chance the alternative you ofer, whether it’s to refer the requestor to someone else or ofer a lesser degree of help, will be met with appreciation (Page 75)
You’ll sometimes receive requests that are better handled by other people. Declining these requests is good for all parties. (Page 76)
SUGGEST ANOTHER PERSON WHO’S BETTER QUALIFIED (Page 76)
Sometimes, it makes sense to refer the requestor to someone else who’s working on a similar project or has similar interests. (Page 77)
By referring the requestor to someone else - notably, someone who’s better qualifed than you or shares an interest with the requestor - you’re helping even though you’re declining his or her request. It’s a great way to say no without feeling guilty. And by pointing the requestor to a more suitable partner or resource, you’re doing him or her a favor (Page 78)
Another tactic is to ask pointed questions that force the requestor to justify his or her request of you. For example, you might ask: Who else have you asked for help?” (Page 82)
The next time you instinctively want to say yes to an ofer, request, or invitation, stop. Take a moment to think it through. Are you willing to say yes because there’s a high likelihood that doing so will pay dividends? Or are you saying yes simply because you fear missing out on an opportunity? Accept that many opportunities seem promising, but are a waste of time and energy (Page 87)
You can also reject requests during certain times of the day. Returning to our previous example, suppose you’re willing to continue helping your coworkers on accountingrelated projects. But you decide to turn down any request that requires your attention between 9:00 a.m. and 12:00 noon, your most productive hours. Or you may decide to turn down all requests that require more than 30 minutes of your time during the workweek (Page 89)
Think about the requests you regularly receive, whether at home or at your workplace. If they’re weighing you down and taking up too much of your time, try to categorize the worst ofenders. Then, decide to reject the entire category (Page 90)
you want to learn to say no with confdence and without guilt, it’s vital that you set emotional boundaries. You must avoid feeling responsible for others’ feelings, and absolve yourself as the cause of their negative reactions. As long as you turn down a request with grace and respect, you shouldn’t feel accountable if the requestor reacts poorly (Page 91)
you want to learn to say no with confdence and without guilt, it’s vital that you set emotional boundaries. You must avoid feeling responsible for others’ feelings, and absolve yourself as the cause of their negative reactions. As long as you turn down a request with grace and respect, you shouldn’t feel accountable if the requestor reacts poorly (Page 91)
If you want to learn to say no with confdence and without guilt, it’s vital that you set emotional boundaries. You must avoid feeling responsible for others’ feelings, and absolve yourself as the cause of their negative reactions. As long as you turn down a request with grace and respect, you shouldn’t feel accountable if the requestor reacts poorly (Page 91)
Recognizing your value puts you on an equal footing with everyone around you. To that end, it forces you to acknowledge that your time, interests, opinions, and goals are worth just as much as other people’s (Page 93)
In reality, depending on your circumstances, saying no may be more appropriate than saying yes. For example, suppose you’ve made plans to have lunch with a friend. A coworker stops by your ofce and asks you to help her with a project. The problem is, helping her would require you to cancel - or at least postpone - your lunch date (Page 96)
The solution is to set new expectations. You must establish boundaries that are respected by your relatives. One method is to create rules regarding what you’re willing to help with and what you’re not willing to help with. For example, does your cousin regularly ask you to run errands for him? If so, create a “no errands” rule. Does your uncle frequently ask you to help him fx his vehicle? If so, create a “no auto repair” rule. Another tactic is to create rules concerning when you’ll help. For example, decree that you’ll be available to help your relatives on Saturday afternoons. The rest of the week is reserved for you, your spouse, and children. (Page 101)
When they email you, let some time pass before you reply. When they text you, resist the temptation to respond immediately. (Page 101)
when they call you for help, let their calls roll to voicemail. When they email you, let some time pass before you reply. When they text you, resist the temptation to respond immediately. (Page 101)
when they call you for help, let their calls roll to voicemail. When they email you, let some time pass before you reply. When they text you, resist the temptation to respond immediately. This tactic discourages urgent requests. For example, if your cousin knows that it takes you a few days to return his calls or emails, he’ll be less likely to approach you with requests that demand immediate action. (Page 101)
Following are a few suggestions. First, when responding to your boss, be forthright about your current workload and resulting lack of availability. Explain that you wouldn’t be able to do a good job on the new project given everything else that’s on your plate. If you’re already working under pending deadlines, mention them. (Page 117)
Second, ask questions regarding the new project. When is it due? What does it involve? What skills are required? Will you need to coordinate activities among a group of participants? (Page 117)
Third, ask your boss to reprioritize your workload. Suggest postponing an existing project that’s on your plate so you can devote your time and attention to the new project. (Page 117)
Following are a few suggestions. First, when responding to your boss, be forthright about your current workload and resulting lack of availability. Explain that you wouldn’t be able to do a good job on the new project given everything else that’s on your plate. If you’re already working under pending deadlines, mention them. Second, ask questions regarding the new project. When is it due? What does it involve? What skills are required? Will you need to coordinate activities among a group of participants? Third, ask your boss to reprioritize your workload. Suggest postponing an existing project that’s on your plate so you can devote your time and attention to the new project. Fourth, if none of your current projects and tasks can be rescheduled, ask whether the new project can be postponed. (Page 117)
Reasons validate your decisions (Page 120)
None of the above is to suggest that you should avoid helping strangers. To be sure, there’s joy in doing nice things for people who are unfamiliar to us. But for reasons related to your safety, personal convictions, or lack of resources, saying no is often the better response (Page 123)
When you resist temptations with declarative statements that begin with “I don’t…” you become the architect of a life built upon healthy intentions (Page 126)
We tend to presume that most requests will only require a small commitment from us. But too often, that’s untrue. A request that’s promised to take “a couple of minutes” ends up taking half an hour. A favor that’s promised to take an hour ends up consuming half the day. Moreover, the cumulative demand of numerous small requests can be substantial. Saying yes to multiple people can easily swallow your most productive hours (Page 127)
